An Advice Column I Write to Myself, Letter Nine— Q: Dear Kelly, Why All of this Missing?

Dear Kelly,

I have been with Nic for almost five years now. I have been happy. Like, genuinely happy. I have laughed more in these last five years than I probably had in the sum of all the years before. I am happy. (I mean, actually right now, I’m in a pretty hard period, but I’m talking overall.) But HOT SHIT DAMN — do I miss life before him. All you have to do is listen to me talk and you will hear it. I constantly make references to my past. To the cities where I lived without him. To the apartments that I loved without him. To the food I ate without him. The bike rides I took without him. My voice annoys me. My obsession annoys me. But I am like one giant ball of missing my life before him. What the fuck is wrong with me?

**

Dear Kelly,

Hi! I’ve missed you! And here we are, talking about missing! How cute.

Okay.

So you miss life before Nic. You miss life before you were deeply, scarily happy. You miss the voyage you were on, before your ship started being steered under the influence of two, not one.

I think a lot of people do. You ever heard of divorce?

That’s not the point though. The point is — why are you asking me? You’re asking me why you miss your old life so much because you aren’t comfortable with the missing.

Let’s go old school, and do a bit of a tally. Statistics — while often confusing — can also be illuminating. (*Fun note. Of course you know this but let me remind you that while you were a natural, asshole-ish sort of innately smart, A-and-B student for the entire course of your life (without studying,) you lost your damn mind in statistics during college. You had to hire a tutor, and you went to every single session of the professor’s office hours, and you still failed the class. I don’t know why but this is really hilarous to me.)

What you had when you were alone: The ability to decide everything by yourself, the entirety of the bed, the high decision over which lamp to buy and where to place it and how much light a room should have, the freedom of not texting someone to relay when you would be home, the safety to eat without any fear of judgement, etc, etc, etc.

What you have with Nic: The ability to bounce your ideas off of someone else who sees the world differently…